 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sharing
|
|||||||||||||||||
Today I live! I create many of my own limitations by telling myself that I “should do” all of those serious things, or that I “should not do this,” or asking myself, “What will people think if I do that?”
Often I fear that people will not love me because of the way I am. Sometimes I still feel I am not entitled to freedom, or to laugh out loud, or to feel all of my wild feelings, or to reach out and grasp life in both my hands. But who keeps me from doing that? Just me—no one else!
My name is Michael, a recovering addict with five years, three months, and twenty-five days clean as I write this letter. I would like to share my experience with my fellow NA members around the world about how I have been practicing Step Ten. After I came back from a steps retreat hosted by four areas surrounding São Paulo, Brazil, I started recording my Tenth Step. I do not know if it is common to do so in other places, but here in Brazil it is not. There are a few of us who do this, and I have to say that there are more and more of my fellow addicts here who are starting to practice the Tenth Step in this way. The idea is simple. Instead of writing Step Ten on paper, some of us record it on a tape recorder, and others—like me—record it straight onto a computer. Of course, this may sound odd to the more conservative members in NA, but for us who like to simplify things, it has been a special experience. Recording Step Ten has several advantages compared to writing it on paper. For instance, it is easier and more dynamic to speak than to write, and what can be said in ten minutes might take at least five sheets of paper to write down. Having a tape recorder in the pocket makes it possible to work this step during a trip. Finally, in recording the voice, more than just facts and feelings can be noted. There is more richness than just words on paper by hearing the sensations, like anxiety, tiredness, stress, serenity, or peacefulness.
Another good thing I like about using the computer is the practicality it offers. For example, with just one click I can review how I was feeling on a specific day of a specific month of a specific year, and I can analyze some characteristics that were conveyed in my voice at that time. Naturally, I do not believe that everyone has to work the Tenth Step in this way, but for a number of us here in Brazil, it has been an incredible experience. Maybe some of you will want to try this idea and see how it works for you. Thank you for letting me share my experience here with you.
Hello, NA Way crew, Just a quick email to let you know the joys of recovery have now given me the opportunity to move to a bigger apartment. Could you please redirect future issues of The NA Way Magazine to my new address? Thank you very much. I do appreciate having the magazine delivered directly to me. It always makes me feel that I am a part of something very special when I see that The NA Way has landed on my NA doormat!
Hello, I just received the literature I requested, and I immediately started reading the Basic Text. Thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it. Things are okay out here in Iraq. A couple of other addicted soldiers and I made a small meeting on our FOB (Forward Operating Base). I just celebrated three years clean out here. I do not need any coins or cakes; just my fellow addicts and my recovery are good enough for me. I am forever grateful for NA and every addict because we know what it is like to live, die (spiritually), and be reborn. Thanks again for the literature. I will keep coming back! Surviving in Iraq by God's grace,
I am András. I am an addict, and four months clean. This is also how long I have been going to NA meetings. I am still in a treatment center—my third one, as a matter of fact. I guess the critical point in my recovery time is approaching, as it was usually after about four or five months in treatment that I gave up both times before. Mind you, the other places were not using any twelve-step programs; however, this one is, and I like that. I also like that now I am able to tell the difference between a rehabilitation center and the NA Fellowship. It occurs quite often that I cannot keep my attention for long at the center’s group-meeting sessions, but whenever I go to an NA meeting I can fully concentrate on what is being said. I am the kind of guy who was never able to accept either the world or myself. I was cynical and unwilling to face my past. Over the past few weeks, I feel that I am just starting to emerge from a severe state of self-pity. I am becoming aware of small but valuable things around me that give me a sense of joy and keep me in the program. For example, I do not wake up sick in the mornings. Instead, I wake up relaxed, balanced, and with a desire to act positively. At night, I go to bed with the thought that I made it through another day clean. I am grateful for these things, and no drug on earth could give me the same feeling. It is said that the Twelve Steps are a simple program for complicated people. It is exactly this simplicity that I find makes it even more difficult for me, as I tend to complicate things in my head and am often unable to see things around me for what they are. I like to think of myself as someone very special, and often very different from others. I see myself as someone with a lot of experience who hit rock bottom harder than others, who is going through different things, and someone who can always see right through any situation. A plain example of this is my First Step. When I first met NA and read through the steps, I was convinced that I had already taken the First Step with my past. I admitted. I was powerless. I was unmanageable. However, after three months, I started to realize that I only admitted that I was powerless over drugs and that drugs were the cause of all my troubles. Today I know that my drug use was a very small part of my addiction. It was certainly the most visible part of it, but my addiction is about a lot more than mere drug use. My addiction manifests itself in many situations in my everyday life. My disease is in charge when I am driven by self-will; when I am in self-pity; when I am unwilling to let go of my ideas; when I am being self-righteous. It is my disease working when I complicate and rationalize simple things and start making excuses.
With the help of this program, I realized that all these behaviors are just my reactions to my disease. After I managed to admit and accept this fact, I do not fight with myself as much. I am powerless over my addiction and, alone, I will continue to stay unmanageable no matter what I do. I am not alone in NA because my fellow addicts see me as I am on the inside. This is something I have never been able to do by myself. I believe that, as long as I stay in the program, accept it, and try to follow it to the best of my ability, I have a chance to stay clean.
My name is Corby, and I am an addict. I felt the need to write this article after attending several meetings in my area where I have copped a slight resentment. My first NA meeting was 6 June 1983. I finally found a place where I belonged and fit in. Although I could not relate with using some of the specific drugs shared about in the meetings, I could relate to the feelings and behaviors. I did what you did and felt the same. I remember coming home to my parents with a feeling of excitement and hope that I too could stay clean one day at a time. I started on my path of recovery from the disease of addiction. I got a sponsor and called him regularly. I went to 180 meetings in ninety days. I came early for meetings and went to coffee afterward. I got involved in service, found the God of my understanding, and worked the steps. I started sponsoring other men. I shared in meetings, and I got a job. At five-plus years clean I was sponsoring twelve guys. I produced the meeting lists for our area, spoke at H&I meetings, was on the activities subcommittee, was area secretary, called my sponsor, worked my steps, and prayed daily. I was injured at work several months after my five-year anniversary. I strained all the muscles in my back and was in excruciating pain. I told the doctor who examined me that I was a recovering addict, and I called my sponsor before I saw the doctor. I was prescribed pain pills and muscle relaxers. For the first four or five days, I took the pills as prescribed and even waited an extra hour or two before taking the next dose. I shared in meetings that I was taking prescribed medication. I talked with my sponsor and prayed daily—sometimes hourly! On the fifth or sixth day of taking these medications, I took two instead of the prescribed one. I had been doing everything right. So my question is, do we really have a choice? I can only speak from my own experience, and I know that I did not have a choice the day I took two instead of one. I had no rationale for that action. I was in recovery. I have looked at it honestly, and I am sure that I did not have a choice. Once I took the two instead of one, I was in the grip of my disease. I no longer cared about anything else. I used for a month or so and was still attending meetings loaded. The denial was strong. Once I copped to having relapsed, I got clean and started the process of recovery again. I stayed clean for six years this particular time around, and I did all the things that are suggested, or, as my sponsor called them, the “musts.” I was injured at work again, this time tearing the ligaments in my ankle. It took me several years of using to admit that I had relapsed once again. I have been clean this time around since 16 May 2002, and I am doing all the right things once again. I have a great sponsor and wonderful home group, I sponsor a few guys, I took a meeting into jail for H&I, I have a network of NA friends, I work the steps, and I pray daily. My hope is that I will never relapse again for the rest of my life, just for today. I believe it took relapsing several times to bring me to a place of complete surrender. Before I got clean this time around, I was diagnosed with HIV as a result of my relapse. I am so grateful to have this secondary disease because I would not be where I am today if I did not contract it. You see, the only reason I have HIV is because I relapsed. Relapse has been a part of the process of recovery for this addict. My resentment is that it seems as if members who have never experienced a relapse believe that every one of us who has relapsed did it by our own choice. I know this to be untrue. My feelings are hurt when I feel judged or condemned for doing something that an addict does. If you are reading this and have never relapsed, God has blessed you! You obviously reached a place many of us have not reached yet—that of complete surrender. I believe I finally have found it after being in and out of this program for twenty-one years. I have an illness and need to be treated as such. I know I would never say to a cancer survivor, “I know you had chemotherapy and radiation. You changed your diet and started exercising. You found a God of your understanding, went to your support groups, and helped others. You took vitamins, and you went into remission…and then, after five years, you chose to get cancer again!” It is hard to empathize with something that is not your experience. My hope and prayer is that not one of us has to relapse to find out.
Hello, I am a newcomer from Kamloops, Canada. My clean date is 26 April 2004. In October 2004, I attended the Pacific Northwest Convention XXVII. Since it was Halloween weekend, we had a costume dance. I decided to dress up as a chef and “cook up” some NA-style recovery. Here is my winning recipe:
|
|||||||||||||||||
