Riding on recovery road

Everything started with this idea: to travel around the United States to meet other addicts like myself and learn about their experiences. It was the most enriching trip of my life in recovery.

This trip began with the fellowship in St. John, New Brunswick, Canada, where I had the opportunity to share and meet people with a lot of recovery. Following this area, I steered myself toward Boston, where I helped to run a meeting called South End Miracles Group. The next day I went to New York City to help with a step meeting at 7:30 pm, and then right after that I went to yet another meeting called No More Excuses, where I met more members who welcomed me.

I then went to Daytona Beach, Florida, for a meeting that unfortunately was no longer there. I had not noticed that the meeting was listed as cancelled on the NA website. So I stayed in Daytona Beach for ten hours and went to other meetings, one of which was called Street Survivors. There I was welcomed by the GSR, who directed me to more meetings. My biggest revelation of this trip was the fact that I could not judge anyone, because I did not know anyone. The importance of the steps moved me toward members with a lot of recovery. I proceeded to do more fellowshipping in Decatur, Illinois, and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where I went to an event called the Serenity Festival.

My meeting journey has given me a fresh, new outlook and has helped me to understand the greatness of NA and the power of its message. My trip has also given me a taste of what Hawaii will be like with all of you!

And here is the best part: Unlike all the other trips I took before getting clean in NA, I remember everything!

Robert R, Quebec, Canada

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The choice is yours

I got clean in August 1987 and was pretty cocky during my first year. I believed that if I ever was going to use again, it would have to because of something very traumatic. Unfortunately, I got my first experience with that trauma in my second year.

I found my son in the garage locked in my car while it was still running. I had to first break into the garage and then into the car just to get him out.

I was so upset that I did not even know what to do. I picked up the phone and called an addict to find out what was the next thing to do for my kid. He told me to call an ambulance and get my son to the hospital.

This addict said that he would meet me there. He stayed with me the entire day while the doctors and nurses took care of my son. Sadly, my son attempted this again within the next six months, and then twice more in the next couple of years.

In my seventh year of recovery, my wife came home from the doctor and informed me that a large mass had been found in her right lung. A biopsy was performed. It was cancer.

She went through some radical surgery on her right lung and suffered for the next six years, going through multiple radiation and chemotherapy treatments.

During that time, my mother was also diagnosed with cancer. My wife passed away in March 2001, and my mother passed in August 2002. I lost my job for the first time in my life the following November.

I went into the deepest depression and was unable to do anything for weeks. During this time, people in the program just about lived at my house, making sure I ate and showered. They took me to meetings, especially when I did not want to go, but that would not stop them. They would show up at my door and say, “Get dressed; you’re going to a meeting.”

I honestly do not know what I would have done without these friends or this program. I felt that God had blessed me since I was able to stay clean through it all.

I got a new job in February 2003, and I loved it. The people were great, and I had the best boss I probably will ever know. I loved it.

In November 2004, my dad passed away, and in December I lost the job I enjoyed so much. I am sharing all of this with you because, through each of those life experiences, I utilized the principles of this program.

I went to meetings and cried my eyes out, asked for help, prayed to my Higher Power, and, most importantly, I did not pick up. It was not easy; my disease talked to me, and sometimes screamed at me, to use: “Just one hit, just one joint, come on, you deserve it—look what you have been through.” Each time I heard this, I dug deeper inside and told my disease to get lost.

Folks, it has been a long road these last four years, but I have found that when I first got clean and was asked if I was willing to go to any length to stay clean, never did I expect to have to really go through what I did to realize that I meant it when I answered, “Yes.”

I have learned that life happens, and I thank my Higher Power for helping me to build a strong foundation during my first year, because I did not have a clue how much I was going to need it later in my recovery.

Whether you are a newcomer or an oldtimer, believe with all your heart that, no matter what life places in front of you, you never have to use again!

William K, Florida, USA

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How I learned to lighten up

The treatment center where I got clean was in a different area than my home area, which is in the Southern California Region of NA. I thought all NA meetings should be like they were in the area where I got clean: punctual and orderly. When my sponsor directed me to attend a majority of my NA meetings in my home area, I was appalled at the apparently nonchalant way in which many of the meetings were run.“Horrified” might actually be a more accurate word. “How in the world do people ever get clean in these meetings?” I would ask.

I continued to attend meetings in my home area, and I listened to the suggestions my sponsor made regarding how to act at NA meetings. First and foremost, I was not to criticize these meetings. If I did not like the way something was done, there was a proper way to address the situation at the monthly business meeting.

Eventually, I had a “eureka” moment when I realized people in my home area did not get clean despite the seemingly loosely run meetings—they got clean because of the way the meetings are run. In the area where I first got clean, many, maybe even most of the NA members had somewhat stable lives. Many owned homes, had long-term jobs and relationships, owned a car, and probably never even had been to jail.

In my home area, however, the opposite is true. It is a transient area with many young addicts coming off the streets, out of jails or prisons, living alternative (to put it mildly) lifestyles. That is a big reason why our meetings are the way they are. They are that way because they work that way. The formality found in other areas’ meetings would probably scare a lot of our home addicts away before they could hear—much less get—the message that NA works.

I was able to stay clean for five years after my first day of treatment. Then I relocated to a place that had no NA meetings in English. Eventually I started a meeting. Since there were so few of us, I tried to lighten up about use of the “S” word and other references to the various twelve-step fellowships. I held my ground, however, with our readings. Where it says NA, it means NA, period—not any other fellowship.

A young woman determined to get clean began attending our meetings. One day, she diligently took notes on all of the sharing from members and, as a grand finale to the meeting, she shared last, giving each of us tips on what we had shared.

When I found out she was on methadone, I thought it would be appropriate to take a group conscience about whether or not to allow people who are detoxing on methadone to share at our meeting.

Imagine my shock when it was suggested that we allow anyone to share at the meeting. Even more shocking to me was that everyone else agreed. Personally, I had never heard of addicts who are not clean being allowed to share at an NA meeting.

I wrote down my thoughts on this issue and handed the papers out before the next meeting where we were to take the vote—but the most important thing I did before the meeting was to pray. I prayed that I would be able to accept, with dignity and grace, whatever was the outcome of the vote.

We now have two English-speaking NA meetings here. At either meeting, anyone can share or check in during the last five minutes. Amazing how well that actually works. If someone who obviously is not clean begins to share, we gently suggest they wait until their turn at the end of the meeting. In my experience, addicts who are not clean love the sound of their own voice, so it is great to have that five-minute window within which to limit their share.

For me, both of these circumstances show the beauty of surrender. My sponsor taught me to “be smart about it, Cathy”—that is, to voice my opinion clearly, respect the opinions of others, remember that NA is a God-given, God-directed program, and then, finally, accept whatever the group conscience turns out to be.

When I am able to act in this way, I retain my dignity and grace. It is important to remember that the things that appear to be such a big deal when they are happening usually seem quite insignificant in retrospect. What stays with us, however, is our character.

At first, I would have to bite my tongue until it almost bled, and silently say the Serenity Prayer over and over, in order to control my facial expressions and body language. Now it is easier to surrender because I have a broader perspective and know that my way—no matter how right I believe my way to be—is not the only way. Sometimes I even learn the most by doing things according to another person’s way.

I now have over ten years clean. The first five years were spent where English-speaking NA meetings were held day and night, many within walking distance of my home. Over the last five years, I know of only two English-speaking meetings, and they are hundreds of miles apart.

I have learned many lessons during these ten years. One of the biggest is that I have never regretted choosing to act on a spiritual principle rather than a character defect.

I have learned to “lighten up” in recovery by acknowledging that we all have different realities and that I need to respect the rights of others. I have a friend who says, “Remember, whenever you win, somebody else loses.” I believe that NA is a win/win fellowship.

So, my advice to all you perfectionist control freaks out there is to lighten up, let go, and let God!

Why not give it a try and see what happens?

Cathy Y, Barcelona, Spain

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More on leadership

In our fellowship, we are all miracles in action. Many of our members have found lasting recovery from addiction and have gone on to accomplish much in their personal and professional lives.

Along the way, some of us are drawn to give of ourselves, both inside and outside of NA. Perhaps one out of every five members is involved in service work and experiences the positive results of selfless giving.

Through that service work, we learn qualities that we can use while working with others in our groups, areas, and regions as well as in our families, workplace, and other organizations outside of NA. These leadership qualities are easy to spot: commitment, compassion, equanimity, practicality, wisdom, persistence, and organization, to name but a few.

I learned these qualities through service in NA, through watching those I chose to emulate as well as those I did not want to emulate.

I have been a leader in NA in several areas: by being an experienced NA member, by being a sponsor, by chairing meetings at my home group, by chairing our H&I subcommittee, by chairing our area service committee, and eventually by being a founding member of our region. I then served as regional delegate.

I also have reached out beyond NA to lead in organizations that help other parts of society. Through all these efforts, my foundation in Narcotics Anonymous keeps me grounded and focused. I have taken what I learned and shared it with others. To me, that is the heart of leadership: sharing, rather than preaching or judging or directing.

Bruce B, North Carolina, USA

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My sponsor

Someone told me a long time ago that, when picking a sponsor, we should find one who is not just “talking the talk,” but also “walking the walk.”

My sponsor is not only a guide through the steps, but a guide through life. I can relate to my sponsor because she relates to me on so many aspects of my life.

I do my best to follow her suggestions. Even when she does not have all the answers, she can direct me to someone who does. I love my sponsor because she loves me even when I am hurting and acting out. She does not give me any advice that I cannot handle, and she is not afraid to tell me exactly what she thinks.

I have the best sponsor in the world. She can be my friend, my confidante, my shoulder to cry on when I am in pain, and she can guide me with the tools of recovery.

I think if your sponsor is not sharing his or her experience, strength, and hope with you, or is not being tough on you when you need it—or offering love and concern when you need that, too—then maybe you might need to look elsewhere for that someone who can give you these things.

I am grateful to my sponsor, the NA program, all the other members who have helped me along the way, and especially to my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

Cyndi P, Indiana, USA

Recovery does exist

My name is Giancarlo, and I am an addict. I am twenty-nine years old, and I live in Lima, Peru.

I never thought I would be able to stop using drugs, since I used compulsively and obsessively every day. I had to have drugs in order to live—just like our literature states, I “lived to use and used to live.”

I was bankrupt physically, mentally, and spiritually until, one day, I went through the door of an NA group, and my life changed completely.

NA followed through with the promise it made to me: that I could stop using, lose the desire to use—and, if I was willing, I could achieve a better quality of life.

I am very clear about the fact that my disease of addiction is incurable, progressive, and deadly. I know that today’s recovery does not assure me of tomorrow’s recovery. That is why I cannot leave the door open for my disease. I have to attend meetings every day, because I never know when my recovery might be challenged.

Today, I do not use drugs; I am a better person, and I am proud to be able to carry the message of recovery.

Giancarlo D, Lima, Peru

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I sit here at my computer crying, trying to deal with the pain of losing my seven-year-old daughter, Elizabeth. I am staying clean and getting through it. I thank God every day that I do not use, for…

The miracle is happening

How can I see love when I suffer from addiction? Will I always be so far removed from the real thing? I know I loved Elizabeth, as I do all my children, but it seems like such a foggy place where I live.

I believe that love must run much deeper than addiction. It has to! Addiction covers my soul like a fog on the lake in the morning. I pray the sun will rise soon and that I can love and be loved before my time is up.

What happens when time is over? Is it ever over, or does it somehow just change?

I realize that I have felt like the little girl I loved and raised from birth, but who is no longer here. We are inextricably intertwined. She is not lost to me; she is home. I am not lost to me; I am home. Home is right here and right now—not someplace outside of me. Home is all I want.

Addiction has robbed me of love. Addiction has robbed me of me. Addiction has robbed me of real memories that I find too hard to remember. If I remembered, then I would also have to feel the pain of loss.

Once through the pain, I believe I will enter a place where I will remember the great love I have experienced and the real people I have known and loved with all my heart. I can let go of the pain and remember the love. I can remember the moments shared—the laughter, the music, the prayers, the tears, and the dancing and whirling that are filled with beauty, filled with something much deeper than I can express. I believe that God has created me for a purpose. I will grow. I will breathe deeply. I will live a life worth living. Just because I cannot see her or touch her now does not mean that she was not real. She is real. I am real. What once was, I have not lost. It just changed.

The butterfly has been transformed and released from the cocoon. The butterfly is free. Elizabeth is free. I am free, and I can stay free if I want.

Today, I want to stay free. Recovery will set me free, just for today.

I am at peace.

Janice B, Illinois, USA

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