On being clean in prison

I wish to address the issue of recovery in prison and the availability of sponsors for prisoners. Is being clean in prison also recovery? What about sponsorship?

During previous attempts at recovery, and even now, I often have heard people say, “Clean time while institutionalized does not count as recovery.” In my humble opinion, whether or not this is so depends upon the circumstances.

First of all, anyone who has worked or lived in a jail or prison knows that drugs—and plenty of them—are available and easy to procure. In addition, there are a number of other ways to act out on our addiction by using sex, gambling, food, etc. Of course, as drug abuse is only a symptom of our underlying problems, so is abstinence only the first step in recovery.

Where does this place the legitimacy of clean time and recovery in prison?

Our Basic Text states, “If you are in an institution of any kind and have stopped using for the present, you can with a clear mind try this way of life.” (p. 52) It continues with, “Recovery is an active change in our ideas and attitudes.” (p. 53)

Accordingly, if the addict in question is learning and practicing the various principles of the NA program, attending or starting NA meetings, sharing, and working the steps, then his or her recovery is just as valid as it is for those who are recovering outside in society. I think those members who do not recognize and accept this are doing a great disservice to their fellow members as well as to themselves.

Based on my own experience and what I know of the experience of others, I believe that more attention should be paid to the need for sponsors for prisoners. None of the NA members in this prison have sponsors. This could become a serious problem, since sponsorship is such a key aspect of recovery the NA way.

Although I have heard some regional committees do have prison sponsor programs, it seems to be a “hit or miss” situation. My personal pleas to my region have been met with this statement: “Although your clean time in prison can count for you, you cannot work your recovery until you are released, attend meetings, and get a sponsor.” This statement comes from an outreach committee whose business cards read, “Recovery by Mail.”

Did I miss something? I did get this person to back down a bit on whether or not I am in recovery; however, my repeated requests for a sponsor have been neither denied nor granted. Fortunately, I only have ten months left to serve, but what of those who still have several years, or those who are serving life sentences? Do we continue to leave them in the lurch? I say no.

Anonymity need not be a concern if a fellowship-wide system is coordinated through the World Service Office and the various regional service offices. In this way, all that is needed is the postal service and commitments from appropriate members. It would not require disclosure of personal addresses or telephone numbers. For the sponsor, this would be a relatively easy, yet very significant, form of service. In whatever way it is carried out, until the issue is dealt with in a focused manner, many suffering addicts may never get to revel in recovery the NA way.

I believe that of these two issues, prison sponsorship is probably the most urgent. In fact, the myth that “clean time in prison is not recovery” would be largely dispelled through prison sponsorship. I hope that my fellow members will step up to the plate—I certainly intend to when I am able.

Thank you for letting me share.

Kenny N, New York, USA

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A meditation on powerlessness

My disease is based on a lack of power, and an admission of powerlessness is at the heart of our First Step. But what does that mean to someone who has been participating in this process of recovery for a number of years? I have been thinking about that question for a while now.

I am really clear about what it is that I address in NA. I am here to deal with my powerlessness over drugs (including, of course, alcohol). Once I use drugs, I lose all ability to exercise any control or judgment or common sense. Thus, my life becomes immediately unmanageable.

There may be other manifestations of my disease over which I am powerless, but those are the purview of other fellowships. Once I clean up, my need to address these other addictions may become clear—but NA is not where I do that. If I am to remain in recovery, I must be single-pointed in my efforts.

While I find that I continue to be powerless over other people, places, and things in my environment, there seems to be a considerable amount of power in my relationship to those things. The gift of recovery has been the restoration of my power to choose how I respond to those things over which I am powerless.

In NA, we talk about power—Higher Power. All that I do in the work of recovery is done to develop access to that power. If recovery works—and my experience tells me that it does—then, at some point, a lack of power in my life is no longer the source of the problem.

I get tired of hearing people in meetings who are suffering from their powerlessness at five, ten, and fifteen years clean. One of the things that has been important for me to learn is regaining a sense of personal responsibility.

I excused my behavior all my life. It was always someone else’s fault or fate’s fault or bad luck or bad karma. I could always find a reason to place the blame elsewhere. NA has taught me that, to live in recovery, I had to own my life. If that lesson is true, then I no longer have the luxury of “copping the plea” that I suffer from powerlessness, and that powerlessness is the cause of my current problems.

My problems today come from my unwillingness. It is my experience that when I try to align my life with what I believe is the will of God, lack of power is not the issue. Recovery is self-correcting, as long as I am willing to pay attention. If I stray off the path, life gives me corrections very quickly. Then it becomes a question of willingness to heed the messages I get. My problem is that, too frequently, I choose not to pay attention and heed the warnings. My willingness all too often fails me. That is when I suffer, and when I am tempted to blame my discomfort on powerlessness.

I believe that God is the power running the universe. If I am aligned with that limitless power, dead dreams awaken, my conscience shows up, and things that I have been unable to do for myself become possible.

This is not to say that I do not have trouble living life on its own terms. I struggle with depression. What I know about this struggle is that, for me, it is the most self-obsessive of mental problems. While under its sway, everything I see or think is filtered through how badly I feel, how hopeless I feel, or how dark I think it is.

Depression is me being completely lost in me. Is the trouble that I am powerless over my mind and thinking? It seems to me that, much like my addiction, there is some part of depression that is outside of my control. Nonetheless, I am responsible for my recovery. I have learned in recovery how to deal with uncomfortable feelings. When I reach out to the addict who is suffering, or when I keep a service commitment, or when I involve myself in the process of recovery, then I am able to function through those feelings. It has been said by someone wiser than me, “The only way out is through.” I have yet to find an exception to that.

So, in the end, is powerlessness my problem today? When I do not pick up, when I live in the solution, when I seek the will of God in my life and I am willing, then there appears to be plenty of power available.

It comes back to the things I learned in early recovery. When my ass is falling off, I pick it up and take it to a meeting. When I get there, I tell the truth about what is going on with me, to the best of my ability. I show up at my home group faithfully and let my fellow addicts know who I am over the long haul. I have a sponsor, and I work the steps. I have a service commitment, and I am responsible for keeping it. When the opportunity presents itself, I work with others and share what I have learned about working the steps.

God has the power and is merciful and gracious enough to share it with me. It is unfaithful of me to blame powerlessness for my troubles today. Lack of willingness and self-obsession seem to be the trouble.

Hal C, Colorado, USA

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