Staying clean for the long haul

I got clean when I was sixteen years old, not because I wanted to, but because I was forced into treatment by my parents. Prior to that, I lived in a nice suburb and never had to live on the streets, never ate out of dumpsters, was never arrested, raped, or molested, and I never sold my body for drugs. I was an above-average student on the high school gymnastics team. I knew my using was getting out of control, but I didn’t think I was an addict. I thought addicts were people who shot heroin or did all those things I’d never done. My goal in life was to finish high school, go to college, and live like John Belushi and the characters in the movie, Animal House. Beyond that, I really had no goals.

After about two weeks in rehab, I had a spiritual awakening. I realized that if nothing changed, nothing would change. I wanted to be something in life, but I didn’t know what that was. I didn’t have any direction at home from my family, nor did I have a suitable peer group to point me in the right direction.

I left rehab thirty days later and immediately started going to meetings in the area. NA was small back in 1982. We only had two meetings a week in my area. We didn’t have much literature; the Basic Text hadn’t been published yet, so we used the Little White Book and borrowed other fellowships’ literature to get a better understanding of the steps. My first sponsor had five years clean, and we began working the steps. She was very involved in service and taught me the importance of giving back what was freely given to me. As I was starting the recovery process, the hardest thing for me was learning how to behave like an adult as I was becoming one. There were not a lot of young people who stayed clean in NA when I first came around, so most of my recovery peers were older than me. Most were in their forties, but a lot of them had what I wanted: peace, serenity, family.

It has now been twenty-five years since that first day in rehab, and I have not picked up since then. I am now forty-one myself, and I have had an amazing journey. I am a miracle, and I have gratitude in my life every day. Relapse is not a necessity and has not been a part of my recovery. I have dealt with hopelessness, desperation, shame, guilt, and embarrassment in recovery; whatever has crossed my path, I have forged ahead and kept going with as much dignity as I could. I have made many mistakes throughout the years, but I have also made so much progress. My dreams have come true and have far surpassed what I thought possible. I am now married and have a son. I have nice things, a white picket fence, great friends, lots of fun, and many choices of meetings to attend. We have about 140 meetings each week within thirty minutes of my home. I continue to stay in service at the group and area levels. I sponsor fellow addicts, and I continue to spread the message of recovery wherever I go. I am blessed with a God of my own understanding who guides and protects me always. I am simply the luckiest girl in the world!

Shelly SS, Nevada, USA

Illness and recovery

Hello, my name is Lisa, and I’m a grateful recovering addict. Five years ago, I became very ill with Crohn’s disease. I had to have multiple surgeries to correct some very serious problems. I had to be treated in a hospital eight hours away from my hometown, and one of the hardest things to deal with was not being able to see my two amazing sons every day. I spent weeks and weeks in the hospital, on and off, for three years. One day as I sat in my hospital bed, with IVs running left and right, I asked my sponsor, “Why me?” She replied, “Why not you?” I had felt so disconnected from my higher power for so long that it was time for me to finally connect and ask for help and strength to get through this hard time.

Being an addict and having to take nine different types of medication to control inflammation and pain was a big challenge. I had learned that being an addict doesn’t mean I have to suffer in pain, and that it is okay to take prescribed medication. If I ever felt that I was tempted to use the medications to “escape,” I would call my sponsor and talk to her about how I was feeling. I’m never alone, and while I was in the hospital I called the NA helpline and asked for local members to visit me and have a meeting with me—and they did. They called me every day, supported me, and made me laugh.

Today, I have survived some major surgeries and I have an ostomy (a surgical opening in the body to an external collection device). I like to refer to it as my “Godstomy,” because it saved my life. Without it, I wouldn’t be alive today to share the message of hope and recovery. I don’t take any medication at all, now, and I believe that I’m an inspiration to other recovering addicts. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I made it through, one day at a time.

Lisa P, Ontario, Canada

Principles before personalities

Egocentric fear is the most current manifestation of my disease, because it tends to maintain itself in the background, acting in an imperceptible manner, disguised by justification. When I have good feelings or intentions, it will try to warp them into feelings of superiority or inferiority, and it never allows me to establish any sense of balance.

A female member arrived at our group, and I was attracted to her. She was beautiful, she dressed the way I like women to dress, and she had an appearance that awakened my attraction to very young women. I looked at her and felt that she was responding to me. I tried to avoid her gazing at me, but it was difficult for me to avoid it. I knew I had to recognize that she was a newcomer and respect her, but I lost my perspective on why I had to do so.

One day, I talked to her, and she told me that she liked reading good books and listening to good music; immediately, I felt that God had put her here for me. I told her that I was attracted to her, but that I should respect her. She told me not to worry, and immediately my insecurity made me believe she was not interested in me. I told myself I would respect her, but that if she slipped, I would not be able to control myself; but then she explained to me that what she meant was that she didn’t see a problem in us getting to know each other.

Of course, she was a newcomer. I was the one who should have known better, and I didn’t, but I decided to respect her anyway. I wanted to follow the rules, because my sponsor and fellow members who have more experience told me that was the best thing to do, that a relationship probably wouldn’t work, and that if one of us left the other, one of us might use again. In spite of all these things, it was still difficult for me to distinguish why I couldn’t do the right thing, which was to place principles first and take care of her as a fellow member in recovery.

One day, as I was reading the “fear” section of the Fourth Step in the Step Working Guides, I suddenly realized why it was so difficult for me. It was egocentric fear that caused me to want to prove to myself that I could still conquer a beautiful young girl. My egocentric fear led me to believe that if I didn’t engage this woman in a relationship, another actively using addict would, and then I would feel like I, who had so much recovery to give to the newcomer, would have to save her from the grip of an active addict with bad intentions—but, in the end, what were my real intentions? I knew I had to be honest and face the hard task of placing principles before personalities. Despite my attraction and affection, I wanted to do what was right for our recovery. So, just for today, I will respect my fellow members, no matter how old they are, what race or sex they are, their religion or lack of religion. I will place principles first, even if those principles contradict my self-will.

Carlos B, Estado Mérida, Venezuela

Reward #10,842

About a month ago, my son had a going-away dinner. He had graduated from high school four years earlier and had been working and sharing a house with three others. He told me they were good friends, but he couldn’t keep any food in the refrigerator because his roommates ate what he bought instead of providing for themselves—so, he was off to a culinary school in Las Vegas to study to be a chef.

At the dinner, I gave my son my eighteen-year medallion to take with him. His eyes welled up, and we had a long hug. He told his grandmother what I had given him, and he started to cry because it meant so much to him.

Thank you, NA, not only for my life, but for my son’s life, too.

Casey T, California, USA

Circle of sponsorship

*Just for Today, p. 242

This may seem like a morbid topic, but I have been to enough NA funerals to see how lost sponsees feel after their sponsor dies. It may be easier if a sponsor relapses and dies, because then it is clear that a new sponsor must be found. But when a sponsor dies clean, there is a tendency to idealize them and to have difficulty finding a new sponsor. There may be those who are reading this who want to remind me that this is a just-for-today program, and talking with sponsees about death can wait until death is at hand. I have sat with enough dying people to know that their condition makes it unlikely that they will be able to have clear, clean discussions as they are dying. Sometimes they are sleeping or unconscious, other times they are delirious. There can be fear about having difficulty breathing, or peace with one’s attention directed toward “the next life.” It is just rare that the dying sponsor in his last moments is focused on giving sponsees words of wisdom about what to do next.

There are a couple of things to cover in the “when I die” talk with my sponsees. I like to begin by reassuring them that I am not suicidal or dying of any illness. This conversation is difficult enough without freaking them out, thinking that my death is imminent. Then I like to ask them to not idealize me or romanticize who I am. I have defects that have not yet been removed, and idealizing me will just make finding the next sponsor more difficult. My style of sponsorship is not to encourage them to deceive themselves or others about anything, including who I am.

I give each sponsee a packet containing my personal step-working guides (both a hard copy and a disk), articles I have written, and recordings of any of my speaking shares. I want these to be shared, not hoarded. I want my sponsees to be able to pass on to their sponsees what I have given them. I also want them to enrich these materials with their own experiences.

I tell each sponsee that the phrase, “pick a sponsor who has what you want,” is meant spiritually and does not relate to material possessions. Other than the stuff mentioned in the previous paragraph, none of my sponsees will be getting any keepsakes, nor will they be mentioned in my will. It is crucial for me to keep the sponsor-sponsee relationship clean and free of any conflicts of interest.

Finally, I want my sponsees to know that it is okay to feel sad without relapsing, wanting to kill yourself, self-medicating with an obsession, or dropping into a depression. The God of my understanding gave me all my feelings and does not wish me to either deny or obsess about any of them.

In closing, my relationship with each of my sponsees is different, but at the time of my death, my wishes for each of them will be the same:

•       Know that I love you.

•       Write me a good-bye letter expressing gratitude, fears, and resentments. Go someplace pretty and read the letter aloud, and then burn it.

•       Be loving to each other and to any members of my family who survive me.

•       Seek a new sponsor after thirty days who is as different from me as possible. My death is an opportunity to enrich your recovery. It is not the time to seek a clone who will safely take you where you have already been.

•       Work the steps with your new sponsor.

•       Attend NA meetings on a regular basis.

•       Be of service to NA, even when you do not feel like it.

While my hope is that each of my sponsees will outlive me, I would like a decent crowd of mourners at my funeral; however, I know that this may not be the case. Because of this, it is important to suggest that they have the “when I die” talk with their sponsees—and with me, also. I have buried two sponsees, so I know how much difference it makes to know what someone’s wishes are before they go.

I hope you take what you want and leave the rest from this article, and that it makes this transition easier for you and for those you sponsor.

Craig PW, California, USA

Editor’s Note: Craig PW, a frequent contributor to The NA Way Magazine, submitted this article in January 2005. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He passed away on Friday, 21 September 2007.

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